Choosing to heal to better show up for myself and in motherhood.

By: Ntsiki Khunju 

It is 25 October 2022, and I am frantic, going up and down, picking the pieces of my broken heart, packing my belongings, and clearing the house I once called ‘’home’’. My mother is here, offering me moral support and comforting my visibly confused and distraught daughter, who for the umpteenth time today has called for her dad- who isn’t here. I am in awe of how numb I feel at this point- my body moving like a well-oiled machine as if to say to me, ‘’This is no time to crumble.’’. Furniture gathered? Check. Cutlery packed? Check. Are the suitcases with our clothes prepared? Check. New residential place secured and paid for? Check. Transport logistics sorted? Check. Check, check, check. And out we go.

Navigating motherhood in pain

The craziest thing about being a mother is that, unlike fathers, there is no ‘’day off’’ for us. Like, we are unable to ‘’take a break’’ from motherhood to nurse our feelings, because we have little human beings who very literally depend on us. The one very messed up element of pain however is that you are unable to show up fully as a mother during the course of pain. I realized the true reality of this when my house moved from being a house of laughter- to one riddled with tears. Although her little brain could not quite comprehend what was happening between her parents, her ability to read energy certainly could. I moved from having a forever happy baby to one whose tantrums were intolerable. Not intolerable because she was more finicky than your average child, but intolerable because I was responding from a position of pain and my hurt self could not meet her emotional needs at the time. I had to be honest with myself to admit that physically I may be present, but emotionally I was unable to be present because I was broken. I had to be okay with admitting that I was broken. Broken because my marriage fell apart. Broken because the family I was building fell apart. Broken because I could not give her a life I had promised even before her conception that she would never have to experience- a life of growing up in a broken home. While admitting to myself that I was scared, I also had to learn to be kind to myself and be patient with my healing. I used this opportunity to draw closer to my Maker. Having been raised in prayer, I could only turn to my knees at this point because that was all I knew. I knew that I had to heal for me to be an intentional, active, present, and responsible parent. It wasn’t enough that I catered for my baby’s physical needs- it was my responsibility to nurse her broken heart and I knew that I could not show up for her in the way she needed me to unless I became intentional about healing.

Healing begins whenever you are ready

One of my favourite spoken word artists, Ashley Davis, reminded me through her poem, healing, that healing begins whenever you are ready. I had always heard people speaking of happiness being a choice, echoed also in one of South Africa’s singer and songwriter, Lira’s songs, titled Feel Good, and I knew that healing for me had to be a choice too. I knew that I needed to want to heal for me to work towards it. For me, healing meant not only admitting that my life was falling apart but also appreciating that I still had a whole lot more to be grateful for. Did I not have a beautiful daughter? A progressing career? A loving mother? Supportive friends? I had to allow myself to appreciate the beauty around me and respectfully mourn the death of my marriage, by crying it out, talking about the pain to people closest to me whom I could trust to carry me, and taking it to my Lord in prayer.

A fresh start

I healed through music, I healed through prayer, and I got restored through support, and words of comfort and encouragement from a community of people who love me. I healed by recognizing just how brave I truly was- to choose myself despite my vows, to walk away from a table that no longer served me peace, to forgive myself for the role that I played in the breakdown of the marriage, to forgive for the pain that was inflicted on me, to commend myself for respecting my role as a mother, sister, friend, colleague. I was brave to walk away from an institution that has society blanketed women with shame for leaving, I was brave to even look forward to a better tomorrow despite the pain that I was feeling at that moment- I was brave for not giving up on hope. On the hope of a better tomorrow- the conviction of knowing that even if it weren’t today, surely peace, joy, and happiness would find me again. And that it did. All it took was choosing to heal.

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About the author:

Ntsiki Khunju is a member of ACTIVATE! Change Drivers Writer’s Hub. She is a content creator, narrator, and spoken word artist.